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Wacky Woodsman

Wacky Woodsman
Players

Edwin, Nadia, Marius, Cal, and Lilith as ST


14 May, 2022




What does scrying, a broken cell phone, and a confessional have in common? One location.

A distraught woman wrings her hands over the guilt she carries. A tale of terrible sounds, screaming - maybe domestic violence - coming from the woods not too far from her house. Sinners needing to be scared straight, perhaps. Directions point Marius towards a place a ways out of town, tucked into an old field that lie fallow and has become overgrown in the last few decades. Trees and underbrush and a tiny creek formed by runoff from the rains.

Nadia's sign is not as straight forward. Checking evidence pulled from a stolen car, there's a broken cellphone. A touch and she *knows*. Knows horror and violence and madness in a moment. A quick search of the gps can give a location - but you need evidence for a warrant, right?

And poor Edwin, throwing his sight about for juicy targets, manages to get north and south all higgledy-piggledy, and catches a glimpse of a frightened, muddied figure running through woods.


Marius trudges through the field slowly. He is not sneaking, but searches for signs of the womans tales. He is quiet in thought and uses his senses to the best of his ability. He is dressed in his normal priest's attire and carries a rosary in hand.


"I've got a gps history from the phone we pulled out of that car." Nadia shrugs her jacket on and pokes her head into her CO's office. "Probably not enough for a warrant yet but I'm gonna take a drive by see if I can spot something that will give us a direction to chase once the prints come through and the lab gets back with what their doing." She's on call but officially out of the office in about an hour so there's not a lot of room for anyone to object, still she offers it up as a statement and is heading for the door before her boss can object.

A while later she is pulling up on a dirt road out of town and squinting through the darkness at a building set back among overgrown foliage. It looks like the start of a horror movie, and the things she'd felt...not that she had felt anything, it was just a hunch right? She just had a feeling. Still, she checks her sidearm in its holster before parking and getting out of the car.

Theres no need to fear, Edwin the underdog is here! And he is here to help!! Running through the woods with a light step, the little bundle of energy is cursing quite loudly as he ducks around trees and through underbrush.


"Why the fuck am I here? Why do I always do this? No no, let's stick our nose in another problem thats not ours..thats worked out so bloody well so far. Yeah, they looked like they needed help...gods don't let it be Wookies..." Edwin continues to babble to himself as he moves.

"Stupid. This is stupid. One day I'm going to learn to just keep my nose out of it...I'm just going to keep my eyes down and put one foot in front of the oth-"

Click. Thwap. "-erWHATTHEFUCKAHHHH!!" A rope snaps tight around his foot and pulls him face first into the dirt and then zooms him up a tree to hang about 6ft off the ground. "What the actual fucking fuck!"


Nadia was moving slowly having picked up what looked like a trail and spotted at least one booby trap of the rope and tree variety. Uncertain of whether anyone had set up alarms attached to the traps she isn't setting any of them off just to make the path safer. Then the noise starts...It's obvious that the trail she's following was caused by someone moving, scuffling maybe, either someone is still here and causing trouble or... Sighing, the detective changes her trajectory a touch, moving towards the yelling. The voice sounds...faintly familiar...


Marius stops as he spots a trap. "Well this cant be good." The priest says softly raising an eyebrow. Then the sound of swearing nearby catches hos attention and he begons to carefully make his way towards it.


There's a bell at the top of Edwin's tree. No merry jingle bell, but a big honking cowbell, the sound carrying, and the initial *DONKS* of the cowbell quite loud, pairing to the hollering from the caught Edwin.


Hanging upside down by his foot, Edwin grumbles to himself as he hangs there. "Ok, who the hell uses snares in this day and age. I mean come on.." he says folding his arms across his chest and just sort of...swaying in the breeze for a moment. Moving his head he looks...up? Down? Whatever, at the bell in the tree above him. Oh good, someone will come and save him... though he did ruin their trap. Which would mean they perhaps will not be in the best of moods. And there is still the person to be saved. Sighing to himself, Edwin uses the momentum of the sway to bend upwards and grab the edge of the rope. Reaching into his pants, he withdraws a knife and begins to saw at the rope. "God, Del and Alli would get such a laugh out of this right now..."


"Edwin?" She thought that was the right name, the guy she'd met in the park the other day who had been less than helpful to start with when it came to the 'too many dogs' situation. Nadia folds her arms and stares up at the man dangling from the tree, not to mention the cowbell still clanking above him. "I hope you weren't trying to break into this property? Or trespassing?" She's not in uniform, the shirt is far too nice to be CPD issue poly-blend, but still manages to radiate an air of officialdom.


"And here I thought I was alone tonight..." Marius grins a little. The priest clearly doesnt belong but he looks between the two of you. "Let me guess.." He looks to the man swinging upside down. "Just hanging around?"


What? Glancing back at the voices, Edwins hands never pause in his cutting "Oh! Detective! And...Father?" Strange company but...who is he to judge. "I was not, I dont think. At least not intentionally. I saw a person running and covered in mud so I was trying to help but I...well.." he leaves it at that and brightens at Marius, "I mean, its always nice to get a fresh perspective when one is tr-" the rope cuts and Edwin falls to the ground with a heavy THUD and a "FUCK MY HEAD."

He just lays there for a moment and says, "You know...I may just lay here for a moment and collect my thoughts. Dont worry about me. How are you tonight?"


It being dark just makes it all worse, still, Marius and Nadia both key into the same sound at once - someone or something is coming. Trying to be stealthy, but the dark must impede them, too.


She's never seen the priest before, what in...Nadia cuts that thought off, heaven or hell he's here and that makes him her problem. She gestures to the two men, trying to get them to stay low and shut up while she worked out what was going on. Her first instinct is to declare herself but if whoever is trying to sneak up on them doesn't belong her either that could cause more trouble than anything else. Nadia reaches for her pistol, trying to move quietly and intercept those not so stealthy footsteps - or at least get to a point where she can see the person responsible for them.


Marius watches the woman draw her pistol and move. He looks to Edwin and says, "We have company moving fast towards us." He looks in the direction of where its coming from. "Best get up."


"It's probably the person who set the traps." Edwin turns his head to look in the direction of the movement from the corner of his eye as he moves to get up, and that is a mistake. Some of the dirt that had collected in his hair slips down at the movement and falls right into his open eyes. The irritation of his eye causes his lids to blink, trapping the dirt in his eye as he starts up again, "What the fuck?!? Did I piss off some Elder God in a past life?" Edwin starts to push himself to his feet, rubbing at his eyes with mild annoyance starting to creep into his body.


What is seen is a grungy old guy in a torn and stained tee and equally old and stained jeans and heavy boots with a shotgun. Creeping towards the group, he freezes when Nadia pulls the gun and starts to move like she knows how to use it.

After a pause, the old scraggly looking white haired guy with the crazy eyes moves forward, waving one hand. "Get out of here! Ya don't belong here!" Voice roughened with too much drink and too many cigarettes.

  • Questionable* stains.


Nadia throws a glare back over her shoulder before she catches sight of the old guy, so much for keeping quiet. "Sir? CPD, are you the occupant of this property?" Her gun is pointed at the ground, following the trigger discipline they were taught in the first months at the academy. For now raising it will only cause more problems even if he is pointing a shotgun at them.


Marius walks carefully towards where Nadia and the old man are. He watches and listens quietly for the moment.


Ed doesnt. He is trying to get whatever this crap is out of his eyes, grumbling to himself as he pushes the dirt out. While he may not be able to see, he is at least trying to listen. The new voice causes him to turn his head in that direction in and freezes. Well fuck.


The old man is in worse shape than the initial brush implies. Sallow skin, bags under his eyes, teeth long overdue for a dentist, and her wiry as hell or underfed and mean - like a street dog. "Now you kids git on out of here!" Nervous? Yeah. Anxious as fuck to get them away from the place with all the traps and the trail markings of fights. But one on three is piss poor odds.

Still, the shotgun is raised slightly - held more like someone used to shooting squirrels than people.


"Detective Tofana, CPD. Sir I am not a kid but a piece of evidence from a stolen car had a GPS trail leading to your property. Now I can't come inside the house without a warrant but your snares out here and the fact you're currently pointing a firearm at an officer who has identified herself, that gives me more than enough to apply for one and have my back up out here in five minutes flat." She winces internally at the lie but she has civilians to protect, at least one of whom seems determined to make her life more difficult.


Marius stands quietly behind the officer and eyes the old man curiously, waiting for the man to make eye contact from a distance. It doesnt take long when it happens and the old man seems to only focus on the priest. Marius smiles gently and says, "It is Gods will. You must drop your weapon and fully cooperate with the police officer. You shall be honest. Amen." and he raises his hand with the rosary.


Edwin blinks repeatedly as the last of the dirt leaves his eyes, and glances up in the direction of the backs of his new...friends. Bloodshot and scratched eyes look from the pair to the old man...oh shit gun. Edwin's eyes widen as he takes a few steps back as he shoves his knife back into his pants.


There's a pause from the old man, starting to say something, but silenced. "Yeah, yeah, alright." He mutters, bending over with a grunt for his spine to put the gun on the ground.


Whether it was her warning or the calm words of the priest, something had the desired effect and Nadia would puzzle it out later. "Ok sir, I am going to holster my weapon and show my badge, alright? Is there anything we can help you with?" Crisp and official but soothing, she's had practice at this apparently. Assuming no one objects Nadia will do exactly as she said, sliding her firearm back into its holster and tugging her badge from a back pocket.


"God works in mysterious ways..." Marius comments. He lowers his hands and places them together behind his back. He sighs a bit apparently in releif, now watching and waiting.


Edwin looks from the back of the Priest to the Detective then to the old man before glancing around the area. We've already had one random person pop out and hes got someone else he needs to find. The little bundle of happy fun ball takes a few steps towards a tree to try to get out of eyesight.


Be. Honest.

"Not unless you want to feed yourselves to the thing in the basement. It has to get fed, or it'll get angry. And if it gets angry, no telling what'll stop it. So I need you to go. Or get dead."


"Thing?" A week or two back she would have assumed that it was some wild animal or equally wild human, now her mind is returning to conversations with Hazel; fairies and vampires and weres, oh my... "Can you tell me anything about this 'thing' sir? Is it an animal?" Shit, has she inadvertantly stumbled onto the creature responsible for Angel's death? "Are you...Have you been 'feeding' it?" Her fingers twitch, half wishing she hadn't tucked her trusty sig away again.


Marius remains quiet and looks around curiously. He notices that Edwin is gone but doesnt say anything. Turning his attention back to the two in front of him. "I recieved a confession earlier tonight from the nearby home owner about strange noises in the area. It seems this adds up.. Good thing the police seem to have things under control now.... I assume you will call for backup?"


"Why do you think all the traps are here Detective" comes Edwins voice from behind the tree a little ways off as he looks around towards the group. "What better way to feed this thing than with helpless little anim-..." he pauses for a moment as his eyes get wide, "...oh my god, it was going to eat me!"


"Eventually." The old man mutters.


"Eventually." The old man mutters. "Thing showed up about twenty years ago. Ate my wife. Ate my kids. Managed to get it bottled up in the basement. It's had a long time to do damage, and the only way to keep it from tearing the house down is to feed it."

"Not been a lot out here, so I had to get *creative*, and the thing? Meat is meat. It don't care none what kind."


Backup...She should call for backup. Should call the station and get...get a bunch of people out here who might well end up getting torn apart in the same way Angel Bell was. "I might ask why you didn't come to the police with your suspicions Father, as I recall the seal of the Confessional does not require you to put lives in danger if you have information about a situation. And you..." She doesn't turn but the words manage to be directed at Edwin all the same. "What exactly brought you out this way after dark? Do you have a secret desire to become a monster snack?"


Marius gives a simple answer to the officer. "There are many who come and offer personal information. As a church, we decide if we wish to perue such things... If it deems the need of reporting. We do..." He pauses. "Many times it is a simple matter. Not an emergency..." He then looks to the old man. "It appears that this is not one of those times..."


"Not really" Edwin says after a moment as he steps out from behind the tree and says, "though you should put your call in to your backup. I'd also suggest calling EMS...like now, for possible victims. Who knows if there are some left down there. You should go get a warrant before you go further. Just my opinion, Detective."


The old guy grins and slaps his scrawny thigh in a 'hyuk!' kind of way. "Well, sure! You bring more people and we'll have a nice tea after we feed 'em to the thing in the basement. That'll keep it happy for a long time!"


"Out of interest, what do you think the response would be if I applied for a warrant to deal with a man eating thing in the basement of a shack in the middle of nowhere?" The creature's keeper makes her next point for her. Nadia was going to have enough trouble managing to ensure her career survived contact with the weird shit she was up to her neck in. "I can think of two ways to deal with something currently penned up in such a way, assuing it cannot be reasoned with, arrested, or otherwise dealt with through normal means. The horror movie version would be to burn the place to the ground and fire the basement along with it in hopes that it would kill the thing...Or empty a cement truck into the basement and...pray." She looks aside to the priest with that last word. Somewhere in the back of her mind she is screaming that none of this is normal and she should absolutely call for backup, leave this to SWAT, and probably get a psych check once she is done with it...problem is that she has experienced way too much weird just lately to dismiss talk of monsters.


Father Marius eyes the detective. He says, "Perhaps that is the best answer when met with evil.." He thinks a long moment. "I will offer assistance from the church, although YOU need to decide what path to take... I do suggest you decide fast, I woupd imagine whatever is in the basement wont wait long."


Spirits carry word of something wrong. There are no words, no really, just anxious chitterings about the Bad Place and directions urge Cal towards a place a ways out of town, tucked into an old field that lie fallow and has become overgrown in the last few decades. Trees and underbrush and a tiny creek formed by runoff from the rains.

Froma distance, he likely heard the beefy THONKTHONK of a cowbell and the hollering of Edwin when he get tangled in a trap. And if Cal chased the sounds down, he'll find an off-duty office, a priest, and a rumpled, dirtied Edwin talking to a very disheveled and unhealthy looking older man. Late fifties, early sixties, a wild, unkept air to him. Heavy work boots, and a torn tee and rough jeans all with ~questionable~ stains on them. There's a shotgun at his feet and he seems amused by something.


"How hard is it to tell them there is a group of cannibals using people as kibble" Edwin says with mild annoyance as his head looks back towards the location of the building. "Even if that isnt it wouldnt be to far fetched considering what the man is wearing. Or do you think those stains are sweat and jizz?" With that, the little ball of chaos moves off in the direction of the house at a dead sprint.


The sound of an old Jeep can be heard a moment or two before Cal parks beyond the grouping of trees. He kills the engine and climbs out, scanning the area with a curious, if watchful, air. Tight, torn jeans and Doc Martins couple with a sleeveless black Pretty Wreckless shirt. His many tattooes are very on display as he makes his way closer, raising his hands so folks can see his inked fingers are not holding any weapons.

Spirits drew the wolf here, and he glances about for any more signs. It's fading from his moon, but the intense tension from it can still be felt in his shoulders and back, and it seems to radiate from him like a wave.

"Uh...hey." his voice is deep and pleasant. A voice made for crooning rock songs meant to worm their way inside your brain.


Nadia sighs again and pinches the bridge of her nose - She is fairly confident in what the stains are but if this thing is the same one that has been killing people in Englewood, and was killing there 20 years before as well...Hazel thought it was something vampiric, although from what the man said it sounded as though this one ate flesh... "Because cannibals are just human and fall over when you shoot them..." It's muttered under her breath and Edwin has already taken off so he is unlikely to hear her but it makes Nadia feel better to get it out of her system. And now there is another bloody civillian... "Dio... Stay here, both of you!" She snaps at the priest and the newcomer and takes off after Edwin, maybe she can at least manage to stop him winding up as monster chow.


Marius looks to Cal. "I would suggest going with her. I can sense evil here." He looks to the old man. "I will stay and keep watch over this one. He then points to the shotgun on the ground. "I would take that with you, just in case.."


Nope, he heard nothing as he runs through the woods towards the cabin. Edwin is cursing himself mentally, this is dumb. So fucking dumb. This is the cat shit all over again, but cant let the nice Detective or polite Father get hurt. Wait...was that a Jeep? No, couldnt be. Skidding to a halt in front of the cabin, he glances over his shoulder for a second before turning back to the cabins door and takes a very deep breath before he throws open the door and looks inside.


"Yeah, I know fuck-all about guns. More likely to blow my dick off, and I -like- my dick, Father..." The inked up man moves past Marius and breaks into a jog to follow after Nadia, ignoring the 'stay back' call from her. He was never awesome at listening to cops. He rolls a shoulder as if preparing for violence if it is needed. Cal


Edwin has a moment to process the sounds from within before he hits the door. Wet, meaty slaps, slurping, the crunching of bone and the sounds of something large moving in a space with no fucks for personal property. The thing within is chitinous and fleshy. Maybe it wore the body of a human at some point, but the traces of the host are in the form of ragged flesh draped over spines a skull that's worn like a hat atop a head covered in articulated spikey things that could be feelers or antennae of some sort. Feet are splayed, three toed things and hands are covered in more wicked, articulated spines that seem to be for holding prey.

Cal might guess it as some kind of Devourer-Pain spirit, were they in the shadow.

"NOW LOOKIT YOU DID! PUT IT BACK! PUT IT BACK AFORE IT EATS US ALL!" The old guy not exactly happy the monster he sacrificed his family, his humanity, and his sanity to contain is free.


"Oh for..." Nadia has been though a LOT in the past week or so and this is just about enough; she skids to a halt not far behind Edwin and reaches for her firearm. Aware that she is embodying the stereotype and, dimly aware of the sensible voice in the back of her mind saying that it's unlikely to be phased by mere smallarms fire, she draws and takes up a firing stance ready to unload into the nightmare in the cellar.


Marius feels off and opts to leave the man. He makes his way towards the house, being careful not to step on any traps. As he comes to the front of the old place, he stops and looks at the others and the mysterious beast (if he sees it).


Good idea Mr Woodsman guy! Closing the door as quietly as possible, Edwin puts his hand out and motions to put the gun down with quick shakes of his head as he tries to grab hold of Nadias upper arm and motions with a finger to his lips for silence. Back. Not forward. Backwards. Lets go backwards! BACK THAT ASS UP!

Oh, shit. That shouldn't be here.

"Oh, shit!," erupts from Cal's mouth a few seconds later. He's not the smartest guy, so it takes the thought a moment to reach his lips from his brain. Still, he makes up for it in other ways. "That thing'll kill you all," the hot rocker guy snarls, and he hunches down a bit to launch into action of the thing gets through the closed(?) door.


The thing has feelings about staying inside. Those many spider-leg appendages scoop up what's left of it's supper and it just bursts out the door like the Kool-Aid Mosquito Man, tearing out part of the door frame, making a terrible keening chittery noise.


Nadia draws her pistol and brings it up to firing position in one smooth motion, she is probably the kind of person who actually practices these drills given what others have seen of her work ethic. It's difficult to slow her breathing faced with the monster that has crawled out of the old house but she manages to squeeze off a shot on target. She aims for centre mass first, force of habit. The round strikes but whether it does much damage is difficult to tell in that mess of flesh, spines, and chitin.


Shit. Shit shit shit. Bang. His head whips to the side as Nadia's gun fires at the creature and he curses under his breath. Pulling his dagger free he charges at the monster quickly as he darts to its side to draw the things attention from the Detective. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! The knife whips forward and...clangs off its shell and the look on his face goes from 'yeah, i had a plan' to 'son of a..'


The attempt to pierce the carapace of the monster results in a wick backhand that leaves several cuts and torn clothing behind in it's wake. The blood seems to hold its attention on Edwin, for the moment.

Cal doesn't something that isn't exactly expected when the monster roars into view. He cocks his head back and, at the top of his lungs, bellows:

"FUCK YEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH---..." The word forms into an almost animal howl of excitement before he leaps forward like a fucking madman and takes his swing, connecting.


Marius makes a split second decision and darts to the kitchen. He grabs the stove and rips it away from the wall with everything he has. A strong hissing sound can be heard as he begins to look for the microwave and something metal, like silverware or a can.


Her last shot had hurt the thing and then it had hit Edwin, he wasn't dying on her watch... Nadia let half her mind hear the yell/howl/celebration from the big, handsome guy she was sure she'd told to stay back and filed it away as unimportant for now. She takes a breath, closes her eyes and opens them again, just like at the range, the rings of spines are lines on a paper target... The second shot echoes out and this time it finds a gap in the chitinous plating, sending ichor spurting from the creature.


There is a scream from the little human as the claws tear through his flesh like a stuck hog. Scrambling backwards as the front of his shirt begins to soak through with crimson, Edwin's mind is racing but there is a smile on his face, a manic 'oh god what the fuck' smile. Plan worked. Ok, I'm going to die now. Its what he deserves. Flipping his knife in his hand like one of the carnival folk, he slings the blade as fast as he can at the creature, causing a massive amount of pain to slide through part of his vision.


Bullets, fists, and the knife. It's fast, incredibly fast with the concerted focus of the group. It might have plates to protect soft parts, but it still goes down with a shriek, briefly writhing on the ground and smearing ichor and the remnants of its last meal on the ground before it goes still.

A few moments later, then a click the loud report of the shotgun going off. The poor bastard that condemned himself with guarding the beast, seemingly taking the loss of purpose to his madness the worst way.


The shotgun blast doesn't register to Cal as what it is yet. Insteads he lets out a loud whoop and punches the air, stepping back a few feet. He points at Nadia and laughs. "Holy shit! That was the hottest fuckin' shit I've ever seen! Way to beef up my hot girl cop fantasy! Shiiiiit..."

He cracks his back and glances down at the creature again. He stares for a long moment and then glances at his knuckle, scuffed from punching the thing.

"Soooo...um. Swamp gas?," the man attempts.


Marius places a handful of silverware into the microwave and the beeping can be heard as he sets the cool timer on high. He makes his way to where the group is and says, "We have 5 minutes, probably less with how fast that gas is coming out... Lets go." He then walks out casually and disappears into the night.


"I thought I told you to stay back." Nadia rounds on the man, apparently impervious to any flattery that might be inferred from Cal's 'hot girl cop fantasy'. "And you!" Any tirade she might have been about to start on Edwin is cut off by Marius's appearance and ominous comment. It takes her a moment to process the meaning behind his words but when she does she closes her eyes again, brow furrowed in a pained frown. "Fuck." The shotgun blast registers for what it was. "FUCK!" She follows up with a string of impassioned Italian that probably contains a lot more creative cursing. "Run." Hopefully this time they'll actually listen to her. In an effort to encourage them Nadia hooks an arm under Edwin's and around his back. She isn't sure how well he's moving with the shot he took from that creature.


There's plenty of time with the hustle involved for the four to make escape before the gas in the house gets sparked by the microwave. There's an unheard *whoomph* when the gas catches, but the explosion itself is easily felt as a shockwave that disrupts the small, forested patch of land - promising burn the evidence.